Parsed Subtext of Greeters at Mall Clothing Stores
Posted on January 9, 2015
Welcome to Urban Outfitters! Please enjoy cheap material covered in patterns stolen from independent artists who will never see a dime!
Welcome to Old Navy! Everything is basically free and made of thin material so you can feel confident that your nipples will always show!
Welcome to J. Crew! May I suggest that the reason our jackets do not fit you is because you don’t belong to the American ruling class?
Welcome to Victoria’s Secret! There isn’t enough padding in the world to cover the wounds to your self-esteem you are about to sustain.
Welcome to H+M! No one who works here has ever used the word “irony” correctly.
Welcome to Anthropologie! May I not-so-subtly imply that our clothing will never hang right on your disgusting body?
Welcome to Hot Topic! We’re just as embarrassed as you.
Welcome to Brooks Brothers! The food court is that way, you’ve obviously made a wrong turn.